Exhale.

I lift up the marred sheet of graph paper and slowly pivot it to orthogonality with the plane of the desk. As I do, eraser dust drips from its eaves, relics of my past mistakes, my past reconsiderations, my fallibility. I do not read, but simply gaze upon the perfectly squared blue lines ravaged by my angry gray squiggles.

With each new stanza, I see my neat trains of logic decompose into hieroglyphic emotion... one by one they derail... sluggishly... arduously... unstoppably.

***

I no longer love what I do.

Hair Update

After Locks of Love (indeed, only out of love could I part with so much hair in a day):







(True WashU student... 3 a.m. half&half and half&half leftovers for breakfast.)
For those who don't know, half&half refers to WashU dining's half chicken tenders, half fries order, not a massive carton of dairy (that would truly be gross).


I write about (and picture) the above things because I can't bring myself to write about everything else.


As a good friend told me, "In time, memory fades."


***

Edit: Things I have eaten so far today...
-aforementioned half&half leftovers, accompanied by 4 packets of honey mustard
-2 servings Wheat Thins with 1/4 pkg. hummus
-1/3 jar applesauce
-8 Tbsp. Nutella
-1 coconut milk tea
-2 cups BBT crispy chicken
-4 multivitamins
-assorted Halloween candies "borrowed" from younger brother

I realize that food cannot fill emotional and spiritual voids... but nor can it even fill anatomical voids. After all that, I'm still hungry. It's only 3 p.m. Today will be a long day.

Come and fill me.


***


Edit to the Edit: God answers prayers...not all at once and not always in ways fathomable to our own minds. But He does, you'll see it if you look for Him in the little things.


I want to have more faith.

It's 11/11, make a wish... or 1111, eat some Pocky...

...or take a duck from the DUC. No more insights. All spent.

I was gonna post some more Jimmy Eat World lyrics - but Scripture is more meaningful

2 Corinthians 4:7-12
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.


Matthew 6:33
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.


Prayer x infinity.


Pray for me; I am praying for you.

no other way of putting it - i need help.

Hymn

Yes, there is such a thing as everlasting love.
In fact, there is a love that surpasses "everlasting love."
Not only does the love of God last, endure, survive -
it actually lives, breathes, thrives - in us.

Some loves may become skewed or discouraged...fade into obscurity or burn a blinding patch of beauty and then vanish like the morning dew;
but why obsess over those? Just a drop in the ocean.


***


Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made;
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade -
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.


***


I want to learn more and more every day. I am growing quite uncomfortable with my own ignorance - Lord I want to know you more.

Don't Forget

Somehow I keep listening to this Demi Lovato song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HulFsv72h3Y

...except, I imagine it as God singing it to me (and in a manlier voice, because, well, Jesus was a man).

"But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song, you can't forget it"


Please don't judge me / the music I listen to based on this. Hah.


***


Freshman Small Group tonight. Just dawned on me that I am a small group leader. I'd talk about what I think of that, but I don't really know... lol. May God work through my shortcomings.